Subbab 04. Adulthood

No body told me there would be days like this. All we do is hide away, all we do is chase the day. All we do is face the fade. All we do is play it safe, all we do live inside a cage.

How long have you been smiling without feeling weighed on your shoulders? It seems like it's been too long. Some days feel like we're just survive and it doesn't feels like trying. Mouthing "how the fuck are you on?" everyday to ourselves. We think too much, we drunk too much, everything in between. Head full of contradicting thoughts, and it's consuming. Days like this, nothing ever make sense. Staying up till sunrise, and meet your mom on Sunday while hoping shit is okay. Everyday we pretending like we know things, while actually don't know exactly what's going on. My natural reaction is that we're scared.

We're scared of being what we perceives as a disgrace. We're scared of being who we truly are. We're scared that we don't good enough to live in everyone's expectations. We're scared of being seen as helpless. We're scared of being imperfect. We're scared of being lack of sufficiency. We're scared of being a human. I guess we're scared. In fact, you can't really keep lying cause you've been scared all along. We are human, and being scared is not the only way to feel. It's just, the tip of the iceberg.

Every morning, head straight up to a cup of Americano to stay awake. Some people popping pills to stay sane. Until it's getting sick of sleeping in. At night, we're all busy beating our own demons until eyes can't handle it anymore. To the morning we run through, we put a display to show everyone that we are still ahead of the game. And it's all on and on and on and on. Tomorrow it will be the same. Nothing ever change, nothing ever make sense.

Most days, we're even scared to wake up. When the weight of the world is in your chest, sometimes it's easier to stay in bed. People assuming that we might be sleepy, but that's a defense mechanism. We're tired of doing mostly nothing, like drained into wholesome strangeness. Most of us are lost, don't know what to look for don't know what is intended. The thing that frustrated the most is that we can't control how we feel. Even if everything is perfect, we're still find a way to feel like shit. Everyday we're lack of emotional energy to even talk to friends, forcing laughs and cracked smiles. We feel like that 80 percent of the time. Just empty. We don't even have time to sit down and thinking whether we want to live in this way or not. We're just, a day-to-day survivor.