Subbab 02. On Anxiety

The self would never be the truly self if it never been destructed. Universe has its own way to always bring us down, somehow. So maybe happiness is just a break of life-serial-killing.

Sometimes I wonder do people really know how they feel? I notice several coldest people who swept away “i love you” is actually those who need it the most. Those who laugh the most is usually cries a lot at night. Those who declared themselves as punk, and seen as group of trash by society is maybe the most broken-hearted one. We always deny feelings, and try to control them to be what we want it to be. Yet, we never understand it properly. Are you really happy? Or do you just put aside things that make you sad? Are you really sad? Or do you just concentrate your whole energy to certain things? Feeling is never clear. It’s a cultivation of energy and emotion that flow into your nerves. It’s abstract, that’s why it needs to be extracted.

Anxiety, in another way, is not a feeling. It’s an illness, similarly as flu or fever. It has symptomps, causes, diagnosis, and yes, treatment. It’s not that kind of daily sadness that Hollywood always portrayed and starred by a rebel teenager. It’s somewhere between numb and drained, between alive and dead, between exist and pseudo, between spaces and emptiness. It could stays for months and years, or not-even-counted. The tragic is society perceives anxiety as if it’s a feeling, instead of “do you need some help?” they prounounced “here,here everything is gonna be fine and this will pass”. Some people just pay some pity as if they talk a lot about books but never read any.  

Is anyone know about the Great Depression in the 1930s? It’s a major economic downturn in the history and nearly caused USA failed to be ‘superpower’. Economic crisis always detected by a boom-bust cycle, a positive expansion that goes on and on, suddenly shrinked, kind of too big to failed situation. I think anxiety is somehow a boom-bust cycle too. One fine day, it was all summer and rainbow and then climate change, hurricane irma coming in, and boom! It’s all full dark, no stars. Your whole life turned into Carrie White.

Speaking of Carrie, her mother is a prude religious women that always locked her in a praying room seeking for redemption everytime Carrie “trembling”. But Carrie’s anxiety is never because she never prayed. It’s because she got no help. God is never hand His mighty grace directly to deliver a healing, darling. A healing, or happiness is transported by human hands, either ourselves or someone else. In this case, we always have a choice to hand this healing to someone who need it. We always could choose to be Sue (Sue is the one who helped Carrie to bring a little a happiness in her life, knowing Carrie's life has nothing but a tragedy). Use our senses to observe our surrounding, to be sensitive of other's pain, look them in the eye, and offer them a help. Lower your self-centric egoism bitch that always brings you to the level of "If only my life could've been that happy with those Balenciaga bags". Your Balenciaga won't guarantee your future safety anyway. I believe the act of kindness is also become our future investment, that every little help we give will come back to us no matter what, despite the times, despite the forms.

For those who suffer anxiety, please seek for helps. If you don't feel okay, then you have to solve it. It's normal to be not okay, but it doesn't means you are powerless. Anxiety is not a thing you should be ashamed of, it's an illness, nobody ask a cancer same as nobody ask anxiety. You don't control it. I know it's hard to trust someone else at this moment, but you don't have to talk to your friends or family if you don't want to. Seek professional helps within your area. What are you experiencing, what are you suffering are hard to understand and nobody could handle it like you do, yes, but it doesn't means you keep it forever. Anxiety is an illness, and every illness has its own treatment. What are you suffering is enough, anxiety is a burden so don't let it drown you. You are the one who save yourself. Whomever you're becoming, you should proud of yourself for managing your days without anyone notice you're wrecked inside.

If you're live in Indonesia contact Into The Light or Get Happy or Indonesia Mental Health Care Foundation  for free consultations!